Mitzi Perdue

Why You Need a Family Legacy Mindset

When Vincent Valeri joined the wealth management industry in 2011, he realized there was an extraordinary gap in what most of these organizations offered and what almost all families need.

The organizations, he discovered, might be superb in managing the family’s wealth, but they were paying little attention to why it all matters: the familial relationships.

Succeeding as a Business, but Failing as a Family

One of the reasons Valeri was able to recognize this gap was his own family experience. He discovered that having the advantages of significant wealth wasn’t enough to outweigh the pain of challenging family relationships

He saw the heartbreak of divorce, and there were times when his relationship with his parents was less than ideal. His parents meanwhile were asking him and themselves, “Why did it all go so wrong? We tried our best and gave you everything!”

And they really did give him the good life, if the good life only means material things. His family had a larger house than anyone he knew, they had a swimming pool, a gardener, and on his 16th birthday, they gave him his own Porsche. If Vincent Valeri wanted something, he got it.

“The problem is,” he explains, “we left the emotional stuff to chance and it didn’t work.”

Here’s what went wrong in his family. “As I was growing up, I was under the impression, that the business would be mine. However, the Tech Bubble hit our industry hard, and my father had to make a business decision, to sell.”

Selling the company was a devastating emotional shock tor the young Valeri. ”The company had been around for 40 years and I had thought everything was hunky dory. And I was sure I was going to inherit it.”

It was such a shock because, as Valeri puts it, “My father and I never had the foresight to have a discussion in which I could ask ‘Hey Dad, what’s the plan?’”

The young Valeri was overwhelmed with sadness and fear about his future. He spent his late 20s and early thirties wallowing in disappointment and feelings of betrayal.

Something Changed

But then things changed. “Today I have the father I wish I had always had,” Valeri marvels.

The breakthrough was learning to talk with each other. When Valeri’s father decided to move to Cuba and retire there, the young Valeri asked his father why he would choose to live in a third world country.

The story came tumbling out, and with it, the transformation in understanding that changed everything. His father explained that he had grown up dirt poor in Italy right after World War II. He had never become comfortable with being wealthy.

The father never enjoyed, for instance, having to wear a coat and tie. He had endured an alien lifestyle for his son’s sake, but now, in his 70s, retired , he was content living in different surroundings from what he had built in Canada.

This revelation was the beginning of many father-son conversations. In the process, Valeri came to realize that his father had done the very best he could with the knowledge and tools that were available to him.

Further, his father, with huge generosity of spirit, had struggled and sacrificed for his son. As the young Valeri came to understand this, his attitude reversed from resentment into gratitude.

What Can We Do?

What advice does Valeri have for other families today?

“Show who you really are. Share your stories with the family, share the struggles and share your dreams of what you want for the family. Talk about what the grandchildren mean to you and then after that you can get into the more technical stuff like governance.”

Valeri encourages people to adopt a “family legacy mindset.” When you really know and understand each and when you’re willing to be vulnerable and share who you really are, this can mean the difference between a dysfunctional relationship and a warm, supportive loving one.

To contact Vincent Valeri, go to: www.vedaera.com or email vincent@vedaera.com .