Mitzi Perdue

Tending Your Flock Ten Ways To Nurture Family Cohesiveness

In theory, you can’t put a price on family happiness.
In practice, I think I can put a price on it.

I know a woman who inherited a billion dollars. Once, when I was mentioning that I was going home for Thanksgiving, she told me that she would give her entire inheritance if only she had a family to go home to. She explained that ten years before this, she and her brother had quarreled. The quarrel ended up in a lawsuit, and they haven’t spoken to each other since, except in court.

If prices are set at the margin, that means that for at least one person, the value of a close, loving family exceeds a billion dollars. For most of us, our deepest sources of happiness or misery are likely to stem from whether our intimate relationships are going well or not. The truth is, investing the thought, energy, and time to create close and enduring family relationships is as important as anything a family can do.

Frank Perdue understood this, and he wasn’t about to leave it to chance. He put tremendous effort into creating and supporting a culture of family cohesiveness.

When he and I were courting back in 1988, he told me that having a close family was one of the most important things in his life. People ask me if I was involved in running the business, and the answer is no. However,  I was involved in something that was just as important to Frank. That is, working to foster a culture that nurtured family cohesiveness.

Here are some of the things he and I did together to encourage family harmony.

1. Have a family vacation at least every 18 months.

In a geographically dispersed family, having the cousins spend time together and play together can mean building friendship and trust that only happen when they spend time together.

2. Arrange to subsidize your family vacation even after you’re gone.

Families are in danger of drifting apart after the patriarch is gone. An endowed family vacation can counteract this tendency. Not only the vacation itself, but also the planning for it and the memories of it are a powerful force for keeping future generations together.

3. Make the vacation appealing to those with young children.

Include in the budget the funds needed for baby sitters and be sure to include child-friendly activities.

4. Write a monthly family newsletter.

Initially, our newsletter consisted of my interviewing Frank about the values and the family history that he wanted to share with younger family members. Over time, the newsletter grew to include descriptions of engagements, weddings, and interviews with prospective new family members whenever there was an engagement, so we could all get to know the new family member. There are also many articles on how family members are doing in their careers. The fruits of having a newsletter is it strengthens the family culture of who we are and how we do things.

5. Have a family album each year.

Ours is a hardcover book made using Apple’s Aperture software. I try to have a photograph of each member and a caption on what the individual is up to. My favorite theme, although I don’t do it every year, is to have “the family question.” This changes from year to year, but one year it might be, “Who is the person you most admire, and why?” Another year it’s, “What is your earliest memory,” and still another is, “Magic, magic, there are two extra hours in every day. How would you spend the extra time?” The answers to the family question are often surprising, and we end up knowing more about each other this way. It’s bonding.

6. Have traditions.

There’s a saying that I treasure: “Tradition is the lifeblood of identity.” We have the same recipes year after year at Thanksgiving. We all know which dish we’re bringing and we all know which one of us is going to say the blessing. What traditions can you nurture?

7. Have an education committee.

Planning to keep the family educated and abreast of what’s going on in the business world can be a tremendously bonding experience. It gets people focused on a common goal, and it’s apt to start many conversations about what is important for the family.

8. Decide what educational topics most interest the family.

I did an Internet search on various family business sites and found that the five topics that came up most often on what families would like more education on are: How the family business works; Governance (as in, how do we make decisions in a way that promotes harmony); Financial literacy; Wealth literacy; and lot of families want education on philanthropy. Adjust the topics according to what you believe would most interest your family. You should also ask your family members to rank them. Have them vote on it, so they own the choice, as opposed to its having been imposed by you.

9. Arrange ways of carrying out the family’s educational objectives.

Our committee has three educational activities a year; we select a book for everyone to read and discuss during the family vacation; we have a webinar where we pay for an outside speaker so family members can participate while we’re geographically separated; and an inspirational speaker at the annual stockholder meeting.

10. Hire family business experts to fine-tune your family cohesion efforts.

Frank used John Ward from the Family Business Consulting Group. Today we use Jennifer Pendergast, also from the Family Business Consulting group. Family harmony is so important (worth a billion dollars according to the woman I mentioned earlier), that anything you can do to nurture it is a wise investment.
Many families don’t stay intact over the generations. This is likely to happen when the first generation leaves it to chance. The good news is, planning is something you can do, and even better, the implementation can be enjoyable and fulfilling. And as for the results: they can be life changing.