Mitzi Perdue

Preventing Nightmare House of Horrors, a Family Quarrel, Part 1

Since you’re here reading this, the subject probably hits close to home. If so, you have my entire sympathy. If ever there’s a high stakes situation, it’s the family quarrel in a family business.

I’ve had members of family businesses tell me that when family relationships aren’t going right, the pain can permeate every hour of every day. On top of that, the quarrel affects the family business, the situation turns into a terrifying house of horrors.

After all, the family’s economic security may be at risk. The business may have to be sold. Or it may go bankrupts. And there’s the enduring agony of knowing that others are likely to suffer as well, including: stockholders, employees and the community at large.

Prevention is the least expensive, most effective, and most humane approach to family quarrels.

So how do you prevent family quarrels?

Here are two approaches that I’ve seen work in my birth family, which was involved with the Sheraton Hotel Chain. My next blog post will be on what the Perdue family does to prevent family quarrels.

1. Have a culture that demands solving problems within the family.

As a member of the Sheraton Hotel family, my siblings and I were taught from early on that family quarrels must never escalate. We each knew that there were so many employees and stockholders involved that it would be WRONG to let quarrels escalate. It was a moral issue. We five siblings were taught that it was OK to hash things out among ourselves, but, “We do not wash our dirty linen in public.” Possibly some of us might have been tempted to consider assassination, but I don’t think it ever occurred to any of to take our disagreements outside the family.

2. Have a culture of civility.

My parents were OK with airing grievances, but the disappointments or disagreements had to be expressed in polite ways. “Least said, soonest mended,” was the approved approach. The family culture took into account that when people disagree and tempers rise, it’s easy to succumb to the “opening your mouth and putting your foot in it” scenario. Being civil during an argument was an extremely strong component of the family culture I grew up with. It did a lot to prevent escalation.

This culture has to start young. It has to be discussed, rewarded, revisited, and not taken for granted. My father actually had his own “Sunday Sermons” after church in which he’d talk with his children about the value of being civil, or that we had a responsibility to something bigger than ourselves. He’s been gone almost 50 years, but his descendants still take it to heart